


I love--

by Jake_the_TransGuy_FTM



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied Destiel - Freeform, Post-Season/Series 12, Sad, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 23:33:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11345430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jake_the_TransGuy_FTM/pseuds/Jake_the_TransGuy_FTM
Summary: Dean can't get over Castiel's death.





	I love--

“Breathe.” Dean whispered to himself. It was pitch black outside his window and the clock read three. He should be asleep; he had to hit the road in two hours. He couldn’t sleep though, for fear that the nightmares would come back.

It had been a month since Cas died. He almost couldn’t believe it; he didn’t think he’d survive a day let alone a month. Here he was, though. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, running his hand on the soft cotton as he stared at the wall lost in thought. It kept running through his head: Lucifer stepping towards Cas, the flash of light, and then the silence. 

He remembered screaming Castiel’s name, but it didn’t feel real; he wasn’t even sure it was him speaking and maybe it wasn’t. Ever since that night, Dean hasn’t felt like himself, nothing felt real. Sam kept trying to get him out of the bunker, get him in on a case, but he couldn’t even give an answer. He felt numb and he felt tired,  _ oh so tired. _ Sleep wasn’t an option though.

_ I could have stopped it. _ He thought to himself. Although he was positive it wasn’t true, it felt like he could. He convinced himself the first night that he could have jumped in front of the line of fire, saved Castiel. That’s what he was supposed to do right?

Oh, and Dean had so many regrets. He wished he could have hugged him close, kissed him, told Cas that he-he loved him… Now that could never happen. Cas was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. Cas would  _ never _ come back. The sense of finality hit Dean like a punch to the stomach. Cas was  _ gone _ , and it was all his fault.

Dean stood up, his body felt like lead but he trudged to his bathroom. He started running the water and grabbed his knife and a bottle of whiskey and set them beside the bathtub. Finally, he grabbed Cas’s coat. He got into the bath, the water making the denim of his jeans cling to his torso. He clutched Castiel’s coat close and set it on his lap. He took a swig of whiskey and grabbed the knife. He dragged it from his wrist to his elbow on his left arm. It hurt like a bitch, but the pain was soothing. He did the same with his right arm and took another swig of whiskey. He could feel his body going weak, and he smiled at that thought. Soon, he’d be gone.

He gripped the coat tightly against his chest and prayed. He knew Cas wouldn’t hear him, but it was a comforting thought. He leaned his head back and tried to calm himself down. He could feel the blood flowing out of his body and he knew it would be soon. Soon, he would be gone. Soon it would be over. Just before he lost consciousness, he heard the words slip off his tongue,

"I love you."


End file.
